i run from you because i run to you

i want you in my life

but don't know what to expect from you

i feel hurt by you, so i push you away

so deeply i want to know you're there

to know that you're okay with who i am

my approval shouldn't come from you

but i desire to do well in your eyes

i value your insight

and cherish your thoughts

am i precious in your sight

does my life a smile to your face

why are you such a jerk

communication shouldn't be this hard

can't you just love me and show me so

can't i just forgive and show you how

time hasn't been our friend

it hasn't healed all wounds

you're further now than i've ever known you to be

and i don't know how to bring you back

i'm not certain that i want to

i'm getting used to life without you

if i could just get past this pain

a cheep movie genre or true human experience

i would venture to guess that there are a lot of people on this planet that have never experienced love and maybe never will. yet they accomplish lots of great things. they may feel hollow and alone on the inside every minute they're alive, but how do their lives compare to the people whose lives are full of love.

I guess it would depend on what your answer is to the question of the meaning of life. Love I think. Love can change the world and fill an empty soul. It is love that compels one to help the one in need with no thought of restitution or so much as a thanks. it is love that compeled one to live a sinless life and to die for us. God is love, and i guess that's what makes the world go round. Maybe the meaning of life has not so much to do with what you do as it does with who you are.

as i read through a few friend's blogs this afternoon i've come to the realization of just how real pain is in our lives. Be it pain in the lives around us as challenging circumstances threaten the safety and happiness of our loved ones or the brokeness and hurt that surfaces in our own lives.

Here I am; two challenges set before me. The first is to trust past what I feel, the second is to feel and to trust.

My first lesson and challenge came from the chest I painted this weekend. It didn't turn out how I initially desired, so I had two choices, I could continue to make adaptions and add layers until it yielded a desirable or acceptable product, or I could whitewash it and start over. In retrospect I wonder, could this be how our hearts are to the Lord. Sometimes the artist can adjust and realign, (and as life is a process I would imagine this to be a highly utilized option). Somtimes however, the coats of pain are so piled up that we need to be stripped down. Although from this side of the artistry we see brokeness and pain, the good artist understands the work ahead of him when he sets out and only strips a piece as far as is good and when it is beneficial. We must learn to trust, not to understand. and no, brokeness isn't usually convientently timed. Feeling hurt doesn't weaken my character, or defile who I am. Its okay to feel hurt.

My second challenge comes from what started as a confession. A boy telling an audience that he doesn't pray for his painfully dying sister. Praying would mean identifying and feeling her pain. Her pain was too great, however in that audience he was compelled. Compelled to feel her pain, and the pain of others. He was compelled to feel that he would be more compassionate and pray with an effectiveness only achieved in intercession (praying on behalf of another).

Through brokeness our pain could lead to the effectivesness that could change more than just our prayers.



To trust in a way that I cannon see; that's what faith must be

love. what is love. what is god's love. what is a father's love.

so many seem to have so many questions about love; I come with just more; no answers.

I wonder if maybe our perception of love isn't off. We dont' recieve hugs and chocolates and flowers from everyone we love, nor do we recripcate the same. Sometimes love is protecting and providing for someone or something.

I think that some of the greatest acts of love can be for someone unknown. Love isn't something you feel. That's an emotion. Emotions confuse me. Love sets me free.

I feel love when I can sit and have a conversation unconcerned with being judged but focused on the other person and our interaction together. No games to play and nothing to hide, but good time with people I love.

I've been told that love isn't something you feel, its an action you take. Love is a commitment to protect and provide. That doesn't completely make sense to me, but I guess that's why I come with many questions and few, if any, answers.