Why can't I just believe?

Why am I so afraid to just believe. Its what I've always done. Do I believe simply because its what I've always done? Or do I believe because something in me knows that this God thing rings true?

Do I believe in the god who claims to be provider yet allows millions to starve and go without? Do I believe in the god who claims sovereignty yet allows millions to die of disease, curable or not. People die. Do I believe in the God of miracles who hasn't fixed the ones I love.

Absolutley. And I choose to be His hands extended. I will serve, I will extend provision, I will bring help, I will pray and believe for miracles. I will do it in His name in His power. He is the truth that I have found.

Maybe I'm afraid because its all I've ever known or maybe I'm afraid because I don't see how it works. Maybe I'm just afraid to trust again. I don't know why I fear, but in Him I found a peace that calms those fears.

It occured to me this past week that part of me is waiting for life to straighten out and become fair. I can think globally and say that its not fair that I have the opportunity to work at a great job and eat 3 meals a day with a roof over my head and some independence under my belt while literally millions of people around the world starve day in and day out while working as slaves at icky jobs that don't provide for their, or their families basic needs. Then I brought my thoughts closer to home. What if fair meant returning the wrongs done to me and my family? What if I got to take a life for a life, a touch for a touch? Then it occured to me; fair is not always morally correct. If I, or anyone else continued on in life looking to return the wrongs done to us, our world is in far worse shape than when it began. If fair is an eye for an eye, which kudos to Gandhi, makes the world blind then maybe its time to stop looking for fair and start looking for something more. Life isn't about getting what I think I deserve or recriprocating actions I deem unfair, sometimes I think the best thing I can do in a situation that's unfair is extend some grace maybe even a little love. Life is not fair, and it probably won't ever be, but maybe its not supposed to be.