the process of an adult.

not an overnight

young adult to adult

what makes the transition?

kids

responsibility

a mindset

an attitude

personal responsibility

in relationships

in life

how you see the world

the older i become, and i've still much learning to do,

the more i think its in choices.

and its in believing.

believing you are something

and making appropriate choices that line up with that belief

go a very long way

go big or go home.

I have this notion that if I'm not doing someting of a momunemtal proportion I'm not doing something that's of great importance. Some of my goals in life are to solve world hunger, end fighting and establish world peace. I love working with children and believe in dreaming big. I however leave much to be desired when it comes to followthrough.

I'm beginning to realize though that some of life's most tedious and repetitive tasks can be of the utmost importance. Parenting for example. To raise a child is to give of yourself completely to another and in the process watch as a piece of your heart goes into the world in another vessel. Generations could continue out of one person's love for and care of a child.

Half hearted child rearing doesn't often yield good results, nor does I imagine most things. If its worth doing, do it well. Give it your all. Even if it does seem to be the most meaningless task. Evaluate the why, assign it a value, and get going.

My example. I needed a job, so a friend and I walked each of the mile-long floors at the Mall of America taking an application wherever we could get one. The last store she walked into I said, I could never work in a place like this. The manager misunderstood and gave her two applications. At home that night I was temped and initially did begin to fill out the application with sloppy writting, until I heard that sunday school teachers voice telling me that whatever I did I should do it as unto the Lord and not as unto men. I straightened up my writting and was called in for an interview based on the handwritting on my application. I did get the job and have been loving it for the past 4 years now.

a teddy bear, a creator and me

He’s a ratty old thing. I’ve had him for 12 years now. For his age, he’s lookin’ pretty good, with the exception of the 2 ½ inch rip down the seam of his back. It’s a battle wound from childhood. I believe it was during one of his many attempted kidnappings. He was pulled in two directions and I refused to let him go, as did his captor…until he broke. I guess damaged goods weren’t as appealing. Not to mention the wrath she was about to incur from our parents. She was in so much trouble.

Throughout the years I have tried on many occasions to stitch his back seam together again. Yet every time we warred over possession of my favorite black teddy bear, he would pop open in the same place. His scar remains to this day. The white double threaded string hangs the length of his wound as stuffing threatens freedom; a reminder of the battles fought for possession. I’ve given up on fixing him and leave the tread hanging as a mark of ownership. As far as teddy bears go hes not much to look at, just a simple black teddy bear with a cream floral bow (one strand up.side.down). He sits about 18 inches tall and aside from that stuffing overflow spot on his upper back, has no distinguishing marks. I leave the wound open so I’ll always know hes mine.

As I laid in bed this morning, staring at his wound, I wondered about the scars in my own life. Many times I’ve been pulled in conflicting directions, leaving me wounded and confused. The one who fixes my wounds; does he leave them open so he knows which one I am? Does he define me by my scars?

As I pondered these thoughts, unwilling to compromise the warmth of my comforter for the chill that awaited me, I decided that I am not defined by my scars. There is more to me than past failure, future dreams and current standing. It is not what has happened in my life that defines me, but more my response.

Man was not made as a teddy bear. We weren’t made on a production line to be identical items for retail value. We were created and are known separately. We are not defined by our past failures, future goals or current standings. In part these may be a piece of the definition of our lives, but are by no means all encompassing.

Why can't I just believe?

Why am I so afraid to just believe. Its what I've always done. Do I believe simply because its what I've always done? Or do I believe because something in me knows that this God thing rings true?

Do I believe in the god who claims to be provider yet allows millions to starve and go without? Do I believe in the god who claims sovereignty yet allows millions to die of disease, curable or not. People die. Do I believe in the God of miracles who hasn't fixed the ones I love.

Absolutley. And I choose to be His hands extended. I will serve, I will extend provision, I will bring help, I will pray and believe for miracles. I will do it in His name in His power. He is the truth that I have found.

Maybe I'm afraid because its all I've ever known or maybe I'm afraid because I don't see how it works. Maybe I'm just afraid to trust again. I don't know why I fear, but in Him I found a peace that calms those fears.