"In my own little corner
In my own little chair
I can be what ever I want to be
On the wings of my fancy I can fly anywhere
And the world will open its arms to me"
-Brandy 'In My Own Little Corner'

so alone i sit in my own little corner
wondering why i'm so upset
why can't i say i'm in love
and why can't i walk away

when did i decide it was okay to disobey
and pursue the pleasure of these moments
i found i'm not strong enough to stand on my own
when will i learn i don't have to
and let someone in who cares about me

i try and yet
alone i sit
in my own little corner
in my own little world
where i think its safe to play

in my own little corner where its safe to dream
in my own little corner where its safe
i don't have to think about love

in my own little corner i can still say "one day"
'one day' i'll be strong enough to reach the people around me
with a love unlike any other
'one day' i'll be the woman who doesn't need affirmation
for the good things she's done
'one day' i'll live up to the standards i claim
'one day'

until i step out into 'one day'
i'll sit for a lifetime of todays,
in my own little corner
on my own little chair
pretending i can be whoever i want to be

a decision to make ... to stay or to go

a decision sits before me. a move cross-country! how exciting. i could finally get out of the tundra i'm beginning to not quite enjoy so much, i could meet new people and adventure anew. i would be walking into a role that i could do well alongside people i admire and respect.

or

i could stay where i'm at. i'm not so fond of where i'm at, and mostly that's my fault. i've chosen to walk on eggshells about who i am and what i'd like to do. i've chosen complacency instead of passion and convience over perserverance. leaving now would be easy. i've come across some incredible people that i would miss, but i've been where i'm at and i'm wondering if i have a place here.

so i did the mature christian thing...i prayed about it. yeaaah me, good choice. ... yup. then the Lord did something i have come to dislike from Him. he left the choice to me. silly god, of course i'm moving. its new. its shiny. i'd be challenged to grow and i could leave the environment i'm in now. For me this environment is a pretty consistent reminder of my failures and flaws. of course my decision would be to go.

as i listened this evening to dreams long forgotten and passions long ignored i rediscovered elements of myself that have led me this evening to the following conclusions:

i choose to forgive
i choose to give grace a chance
i choose to remain because i am equipped to overcome shortcomings
i choose to honor the commitment i made when this opportunity was a new shiny in my life
i choose to remain

abortion on nine year old girl

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/americas/03/11/brazil.rape.abortion/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

synopsis: a girl in Brazil was raped (allegdly & repeatedly by a stepfather for several years) and wound up pregnant with twins. she was nine years old.

a doctor preformed an abortion with her mother there, then was excommunicated from the church.

thoughts to share?

i run from you because i run to you

i want you in my life

but don't know what to expect from you

i feel hurt by you, so i push you away

so deeply i want to know you're there

to know that you're okay with who i am

my approval shouldn't come from you

but i desire to do well in your eyes

i value your insight

and cherish your thoughts

am i precious in your sight

does my life a smile to your face

why are you such a jerk

communication shouldn't be this hard

can't you just love me and show me so

can't i just forgive and show you how

time hasn't been our friend

it hasn't healed all wounds

you're further now than i've ever known you to be

and i don't know how to bring you back

i'm not certain that i want to

i'm getting used to life without you

if i could just get past this pain

life

most every night he calls to me
that familiar voice i know so well
his voice calls and i know what it is he wants

he prompts my heart to feel rest against the chaos of my day
his voice whispers to just sleep for now
put away your dreams for the future and work on them later
there's always tomorrow for that kind of thing

since tomorrow never comes all i have is today
all i have is now to work toward my dream
when he comes his call is comfortable
but his company shallow and stale

nothing he offers is what i long for
his offers are those of complacency and he is contentment
his voice is distracting and when i listen
i cease working towards my goals
and i begin the path of settling

settling for less than my best
and for being sort-of-kind-of who i want to be
and going kind-of-close to where i want to go
dreams are meant for sleeping, right?


i will "agape" deeply
but that's gonna take some work
so complacency is NOT an option
and settling isn't on my radar

i want my life to be worth while
an adventrue to say the least
so here i go i'm on the move once again
and looking forward to what i find along the way

i am becoming who i always wanted to be

in a conversation with a friend the other day it was said "I am becoming more of who I always wanted to be." what an attractive statement. to truly become that person i dream of becoming. the person who does all the things that i tell myself i do, but struggle to actually get done.

for this friend it was weekend adventures that he aspired to. rope swings, abandoned caves and weekends spent camping. a nature adventurist. that was his dream, part of who he always wanted to be.

i dream of being a woman full of grace and always extending a hand of compassion and love. never with a judgemental glance but i desire to be always found serving.

i instead find myself doing. doing projects and seeing results but knowing that the results i see are not the results that could be if i would serve instead of do. the results that can come if i would love instead of talk or give instead of hoard.

once again i am at a loss, because typing doesn't change me...but the choices i make can
its time to make better choices. its time to choose to live love and act on my dreams.

thanks friend

for as long as i can remember, people have been telling me things about religion and the way i'm supposed to live in accordance with my religious beliefs. specifically in the area of the opposite sex. there are many rules about the opposite sex. i'm sure you're familiar with the list...don't have sex before you're married, keep your feet on the floor, the lights should stay on...the list continues.

he's a good guy, and he has many attractive qualities, but not common faith. for years i've listened to lectures on how "missionary dating" doesn't work. now i'm hearing "well, give him time, he might come around". "time is your ally." few of my close and trusted friends have provided me with warnings to heed. maybe because they know i know better.

i know i know better. but i still like him. and what would the people at work think? they think we're so cute...i know this boy is a nice boy and he goes to church on occassion and he prays every night, but i'm not interested in religion as a weekend hobby. i'm not interested in a passing fling.

i'm interested in spending the rest of my life with someone who challenges my faith and encourages my growth as a person. someone who loves deeply and is attracted to me. not my appearance. looks evolve and situations change but integrity and faithfulness are choices that not everyone chooses to make. if he's not making those choices now, i'm not waitng around until he does.

i could live with what's good and continue to pray that he would come to terms with his faith in a genuine way. or i could pray from a distance while holding to my convictions. the later wouldn't be as much fun as watching movies and going for walks,

but when i sit in that place where the world makes sence and i think about this boy, i know what i need to do...and compromise is not an option